Yeah, I just fell off the face of the earth again. Since I don't actually think I have that many readers it's probably not a big deal, but I think I'm back. A few random reasons and thoughts:
1. Apparently this is "the age for that to start" for EVERYTHING unpleasant. I think I am also starting to become a hypochondriac, but I suspect that that can happen at any time. I do think I need to get an allergy test to see if I've developed any allergies, and should take more steps to improve my mental health.
2. Sometimes I wonder how I ended up with a man who is, in many ways, dramatically different from me. And then he up and blows my mind with how well he deals with the things I'm struggling with, and I realize I'm just damn lucky to have him. I thank him all the time, but it feels inadequate. Thank you again. Am I blowing your cover by telling other people you're secretly nice?
3. It might have been a bad idea to come to grad school directly from undergrad. I think I'm slightly burnt out, and am having a hard time dedicating as much effort to school work as it deserves.
4. SAN DIEOGO IN LESS THAN TWO WEEKS. Ha, spring break. See point 3.
5. Josh Ritter is coming to Ithaca in April! I am obsessively plotting how to get there to see him again. Best show I've ever seen.
6. I dreamed last night I got married and Michelle Obama came to my wedding. She was old enough to have gray hair. Apparently it takes me a long time to befriend her before I can get married.
7. I need to do homework before I can do some doting on someone who deserves it. Bye!
Sunday, February 22, 2009
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
Newberry!
I love Newberry medal books like only (future) librarians and teachers can. The books are for kids, supposedly, at least the authors wrote them for kids, and usually, kids do love them. And the kids love them for all the right reasons, because they're good and engaging and usually have wonderful lessons about life that come across by just being very real (and I am sure the kids who read them usually just enjoy them and learn without going "oh hey, that's an important life lesson!") Librarians and teachers tend to be the ones who love them because of the life lessons. Anyway, I'm writing because Neil Gaiman's book The Graveyard Book just won this year's Newberry, and I'm thrilled.
Problem is, I have not yet read this book, because I didn't realize it exists, and now I need to. So, I skipped the library option (sorry libraries) and went straight to Amazon.
Once I was there, I had almost decided NOT to buy the book, when I found another book, Everything You Know About God is Wrong: The Disinformation Guide to Religion, and it looked so fascinating and so potentially challenging (I tend to read pro-religion books, and this, while not anti-religion, looks slightly...subversive) that I needed it. When I looked at the price, I realized that if I bought that book AND the other, I would get free shipping. So I did it. Now that it's done I regret the money spending, but really hope it's worth it. These books are both books I want to read and "library building books" - books that have merit by making my library more interesting and well-rounded and up to date. My gosh, I'm doing collection development for myself!
Also, I just bought a new bookshelf to accommodate my book problem. My boyfriend's response to all this: "Keep it up and I'm going to confiscate your credit card." I would so deserve it.
Problem is, I have not yet read this book, because I didn't realize it exists, and now I need to. So, I skipped the library option (sorry libraries) and went straight to Amazon.
Once I was there, I had almost decided NOT to buy the book, when I found another book, Everything You Know About God is Wrong: The Disinformation Guide to Religion, and it looked so fascinating and so potentially challenging (I tend to read pro-religion books, and this, while not anti-religion, looks slightly...subversive) that I needed it. When I looked at the price, I realized that if I bought that book AND the other, I would get free shipping. So I did it. Now that it's done I regret the money spending, but really hope it's worth it. These books are both books I want to read and "library building books" - books that have merit by making my library more interesting and well-rounded and up to date. My gosh, I'm doing collection development for myself!Also, I just bought a new bookshelf to accommodate my book problem. My boyfriend's response to all this: "Keep it up and I'm going to confiscate your credit card." I would so deserve it.
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
Mental Shoebox
When you were a kid, did you ever have a shoebox under your bed that you put important things in? Things that probably didn't really matter much to anyone else but for some reason mattered to you, maybe reminded you of something important? Yeah, neither did I. I think that's something that only happens in movies. But, there is a shoebox in my closet in my parent's house that still has a bunch of random mementos from high school - some prom souvenirs, possibly something from marching band, and a whole ton of notes my best friend wrote to me long after it was reasonable for us to be writing notes to each other. By the way, I still love writing notes, and if you ask for one I will write you one, quite possibly in a colored pen and folded into a neat shape.
Anyway, while I don't really have a shoebox full of important things, I do try to keep a mental shoebox - I like to hoard memories of small moments that, often despite (or because of) their unimportance, mean a lot to me. I like to tuck them away in my memory so much later I can take them out and think about how nice that moment was, how I felt, and how it looked. Some recent additions to my mental shoebox:
Christmas morning this year. I absolutely love giving gifts, and I go to great lengths to find the right gift for each person on my list. As it happens I also love receiving gifts, so Christmas is really a great time for me. Now that I don't suffer from Christmas Eve excitement insomnia the morning is far better, when I meander out of bed to sit on the floor by the tree and open presents with my family. This year I think I did a great job at giving gifts, and the moment that especially sticks out to me is me, sitting on the floor holding my new stock pot while my mom tried on her sweater and my dad played with his iPod and my sister unrolled her map. Maybe it's materialistic, that I focused so much on the gifts, but I think the real important thing is that we all know each other so well we knew exactly what we all wanted and needed, and were all there together to share that.
Last Saturday, between the time I woke up next to my boyfriend, who thought I might want to cuddle a little before he left for the airport, and when he dropped me off at my apartment. There, although normally undemonstrative in public, the last thing he did before driving away was remind me through the speaker of his not-actually-a-cop-car that he loves m. Granted, it was 6:30am and we were the only people awake, but it was cute, and overall an unexpectedly good morning for having awakened at 5:30 am.
Walking up the last hill in the cemetery before I turn off into the path behind my apartment building keeps reminding me of every winter I've been in college (and now grad school). In the afternoon when it's sunny the sun dips out of sight for a moment behind the hill, and everything is suddenly silver and shiny and unreal, and also reminds me of my walk home last year. It was also uphill at the end, and ended with an unexpectedly pretty view of the yard before the hall that always made me feel lost in the wrong decade. Something about the two hills in the winter is the same, and makes me oddly nostalgic. Which, I guess, is kind of the point of the mental shoebox.
Anyway, while I don't really have a shoebox full of important things, I do try to keep a mental shoebox - I like to hoard memories of small moments that, often despite (or because of) their unimportance, mean a lot to me. I like to tuck them away in my memory so much later I can take them out and think about how nice that moment was, how I felt, and how it looked. Some recent additions to my mental shoebox:
Christmas morning this year. I absolutely love giving gifts, and I go to great lengths to find the right gift for each person on my list. As it happens I also love receiving gifts, so Christmas is really a great time for me. Now that I don't suffer from Christmas Eve excitement insomnia the morning is far better, when I meander out of bed to sit on the floor by the tree and open presents with my family. This year I think I did a great job at giving gifts, and the moment that especially sticks out to me is me, sitting on the floor holding my new stock pot while my mom tried on her sweater and my dad played with his iPod and my sister unrolled her map. Maybe it's materialistic, that I focused so much on the gifts, but I think the real important thing is that we all know each other so well we knew exactly what we all wanted and needed, and were all there together to share that.
Last Saturday, between the time I woke up next to my boyfriend, who thought I might want to cuddle a little before he left for the airport, and when he dropped me off at my apartment. There, although normally undemonstrative in public, the last thing he did before driving away was remind me through the speaker of his not-actually-a-cop-car that he loves m. Granted, it was 6:30am and we were the only people awake, but it was cute, and overall an unexpectedly good morning for having awakened at 5:30 am.
Walking up the last hill in the cemetery before I turn off into the path behind my apartment building keeps reminding me of every winter I've been in college (and now grad school). In the afternoon when it's sunny the sun dips out of sight for a moment behind the hill, and everything is suddenly silver and shiny and unreal, and also reminds me of my walk home last year. It was also uphill at the end, and ended with an unexpectedly pretty view of the yard before the hall that always made me feel lost in the wrong decade. Something about the two hills in the winter is the same, and makes me oddly nostalgic. Which, I guess, is kind of the point of the mental shoebox.
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
West Side Market and Christmas Eve
One thing I miss from Ohio is being close to Cleveland. Sure, I live in a "city" now, and I was 45 minutes from Cleveland, and Cleveland is kind of a dying industrial dump of a city, but I love it. One of my favorite things to do in Cleveland is to go to the West Side Market. The Market used to be a real, important market with ethnic foods and incredibly fresh meats and produce. It continues to have all those things, but is becoming a little less vital to the community and more of just an interesting place to be. There are still many of the old vendors, family businesses that have been there for ages. Those are the places where you're most likely to find odd, eastern European sausages or cuts of meat you won't find at a grocer...say a whole half a pig, perhaps. But now there are also new, "chic" vendors, who will make you crepes as you watch or sell you "urban herbs" or pre-made food to nibble on while you shop. It would be sad to see the Market lose it's traditional vendors and purpose, but I'm glad to see the space have continued relevance while th
e rest of Cle
veland kind of flounders. 
Christmas Eve day my dad decided he wanted to go to an organ concert at a church by the Market, so we looked up the hours and determined we had to go shopping if we were in the area. I have never had a trip to the Market that wasn't amazing. We were short on time before the concert, so we started with snacks - I had a new take on a traditional Scottish meat pie - it was a breakfast pie, with egg, sausage, cheese, and potatoes instead of the normal meat and potatoes. After the concert we went back for more deliberate shopping. I bought a whole pound of Manchego, because the price was $6 per pound less than it is at the grocery store, and because the vendor let me taste it and it was superb. I got an apple fritter, which is something I always do there, and picked up some Mediterranean sea salt and some pot stickers at some newer vendors. My parents caved and bought us chicken satee and asiago pretzel rolls to snack on, and a huge bunch of asparagus for later. My dad got goose liver and a rice ring, both of which are disgusting, and my sister found Kinder chocolate at the imports store. Overall, it was pretty awesome, and I recommend it to anyone who happens to be in Cleveland.
After all that fun, we went home for the annual "trying a completely new and possibly complicated appetizer recipe for the Christmas Ever party" extravaganza. This year I made cheese puffs with Italian salami, and my sister and dad made some strange sausage rolls. Although we really tried to choose the easiest recipes in the book, our efforts took us forever. For some reason my cheese puffs came out tasting like a breakfast food - too much egg involved to make them "puff." They seemed to go over well with the family though.
I think we've decided to add the Market to our Christmas traditions. This year we had a great Christmas Eve.
e rest of Cle
veland kind of flounders. 
Christmas Eve day my dad decided he wanted to go to an organ concert at a church by the Market, so we looked up the hours and determined we had to go shopping if we were in the area. I have never had a trip to the Market that wasn't amazing. We were short on time before the concert, so we started with snacks - I had a new take on a traditional Scottish meat pie - it was a breakfast pie, with egg, sausage, cheese, and potatoes instead of the normal meat and potatoes. After the concert we went back for more deliberate shopping. I bought a whole pound of Manchego, because the price was $6 per pound less than it is at the grocery store, and because the vendor let me taste it and it was superb. I got an apple fritter, which is something I always do there, and picked up some Mediterranean sea salt and some pot stickers at some newer vendors. My parents caved and bought us chicken satee and asiago pretzel rolls to snack on, and a huge bunch of asparagus for later. My dad got goose liver and a rice ring, both of which are disgusting, and my sister found Kinder chocolate at the imports store. Overall, it was pretty awesome, and I recommend it to anyone who happens to be in Cleveland.
After all that fun, we went home for the annual "trying a completely new and possibly complicated appetizer recipe for the Christmas Ever party" extravaganza. This year I made cheese puffs with Italian salami, and my sister and dad made some strange sausage rolls. Although we really tried to choose the easiest recipes in the book, our efforts took us forever. For some reason my cheese puffs came out tasting like a breakfast food - too much egg involved to make them "puff." They seemed to go over well with the family though.
I think we've decided to add the Market to our Christmas traditions. This year we had a great Christmas Eve.
Fail
In the last two weeks I have probably accumulated a heck of a lot possible blog post topics, some more personal than others, but really, I've just been tired and didn't feel like writing. I'm going to get my act together soon and I'll be back!
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
Cookies!!!!!
An explosion of Christmas cookies!!
I love Christmas cookies. I love making them, and then I love eating them, continuously, which is probably a habit I should lay off of for the sake of my waistline. But man, Christmas cookies are the best. My family has several types of cookies that are, for some reason, only "Christmas" cookies, but everyone knows the most Christmas-y of them all: cut-out sugar cookies, frosted and in my house, painted (with food coloring and egg yolks - they look a little like stained glass). I don't even like to eat them that much, but I love to make them.
So last week, I made them. And made them and made them. I made them on Wednesday when my (awesome) friend couldn't come help; I made them on Thursday with my boyfriend so he could use too many sprinkles; I made them on Friday when I decided I wanted to give them to people and didn't have enough.
And on Saturday I got the stomach flu. And I have a ton of cookies. And there is absolutely no connection - I clearly didn't get the flu from the cookies, and if they're infected so is everything else in my house, but. Oh but. I can't stand the sight of the things. My stomach still isn't happy with the idea of food, but the idea of sugary cookies, frosted with homemade frosting let me say, makes me cringe. My body oddly connects the cookies from Friday night with the misery from Saturday morning, and will not let me eat them. I also seem to have fewer people to give them to than I had thought. And so a plate of cookies is going to work with me, another bag is going to the boyfriend, and two bags are going in the freezer for my catsitter to take advantage of when she's here...her and hopefully everyone she knows, because I don't want them to be there when I get back.
Christmas cookies, anyone?
I love Christmas cookies. I love making them, and then I love eating them, continuously, which is probably a habit I should lay off of for the sake of my waistline. But man, Christmas cookies are the best. My family has several types of cookies that are, for some reason, only "Christmas" cookies, but everyone knows the most Christmas-y of them all: cut-out sugar cookies, frosted and in my house, painted (with food coloring and egg yolks - they look a little like stained glass). I don't even like to eat them that much, but I love to make them.
So last week, I made them. And made them and made them. I made them on Wednesday when my (awesome) friend couldn't come help; I made them on Thursday with my boyfriend so he could use too many sprinkles; I made them on Friday when I decided I wanted to give them to people and didn't have enough.
And on Saturday I got the stomach flu. And I have a ton of cookies. And there is absolutely no connection - I clearly didn't get the flu from the cookies, and if they're infected so is everything else in my house, but. Oh but. I can't stand the sight of the things. My stomach still isn't happy with the idea of food, but the idea of sugary cookies, frosted with homemade frosting let me say, makes me cringe. My body oddly connects the cookies from Friday night with the misery from Saturday morning, and will not let me eat them. I also seem to have fewer people to give them to than I had thought. And so a plate of cookies is going to work with me, another bag is going to the boyfriend, and two bags are going in the freezer for my catsitter to take advantage of when she's here...her and hopefully everyone she knows, because I don't want them to be there when I get back.
Christmas cookies, anyone?
Friday, December 12, 2008
Big freaking post on growing up a fundie
I have to say that growing up religiously conservative can really screw a person up. I'm speaking from a certain amount of personal experience. Now, before I continue, a clarification. I am not saying that being religiously conservative is inherently bad, or that everyone who was/is religiously conservative is screwed up. I'm speaking based mostly on my personal experience and discussions I have had with friends with similar backgrounds and experiences as mine. For background, I spent most of my childhood and teen years in a moderately conservative, medium-large nondenominational evangelical box church. It definitely wasn't one of those "crazy" churches you see in things like Jesus Camp, and I was never pals with Jerry Falwell. Then again, I spent a kind of long time not believing in evolution, so it was crazy enough. When I went to college I left that church, had a minor crisis of faith, looked around a little, and ended up in the United Church of Christ, which has problems like any Church, but which I think is overall a very good place to be. My personal beliefs teeter on the edge of Unitarian Universalist, but I'm happy in the UCC.
So, the problem? For all my current "liberal" theology, my conservative past sometimes messes with my head. One thing I know other former evangelicals/conservatives/fundamentalists also deal with is Born Again Guilt. I was born again twice, once when I was six, and "renewed" that at least twice. I kept doing it because I never really felt like it took - I was supposed to experience some sweeping, emotional moment of grace, forgiveness, and personal transformation, and I never did. Hence, I spent a lot of my time a little worried that I wasn't really saved, and was thus going to hell. That's a lot of pressure for a kid, which I was. One problem with being born again - it can supposedly happen at any age. I now firmly believe that 1. children should never be forced into having a "spiritual" experience because the adults present are emotional about religion, and 2. salvation is different for everyone, and takes time. It was only recently that I discovered that I can take time working out grace with God, and that it won't necessarily be a mind-blowing experience. And, I have felt closer to God since I realized that. It's an ongoing thing, not a one-time thing.
Another issue that I don't struggle with as much as I once did is the cultural change involved in leaving a conservative church. For a long time, I listened to Christian music nearly exclusively. I was afraid to curse, and to drink. I was pretty damn judging, and quite possibly intolerable to be around. Although I still consider myself a fairly moral person and am far nicer than I used to be, I spent a while feeling a lot of guilt when I did "bad" things. The me of six years ago would have a heart attack on seeing the me of now - I get drunk sometimes! And swear! And do other bad things! On another note, being around large groups of conservative Christians (Campus Crusade events, say) wigs me out. I used to be there, and now am not, and wonder if I have a neon sign that says "heathen!" I still know the language they use though, which helps to communicate ;)
The last big thing to mention in this epic post is Sex Guilt, and oh man, is this a big one. My thoughts on how poorly Christians deal with human sexuality could take up a book, so this is the condensed version. It is really hard to teach that all sexual acts, ever, should only occur within the confines of a marriage without also conveying the idea that sex is somehow taboo. I think it might be possible, but it has got to be difficult. Generally, young people in the church come away thinking that their natural sexual feelings are sinful. There is a distinct difference between selfish lust and natural feelings all humans experience, especially in adolescence. Even for the people who wait till marriage, when sex is officially condoned, must have a hard time turning off that feeling that all things sexual should be avoided. For those of us who have changed their minds slightly about sex and marriage, it can still be hard - these teachings are well-impressed upon young conservative Christians, and the feelings of guilt linger.
I don't know how other (less conservative) Christians feel about it, but I would prefer not to have my relationship with someone I love complicated by guilt and apprehension. I think, overall, the guilt, not just sexual but overall, that the conservative church leaves its followers with can really mess up lives. The textbook response to that could be that God is weighing upon us...but it could just be that we're still working on leaving behind a potentially damaging mindset.
So, the problem? For all my current "liberal" theology, my conservative past sometimes messes with my head. One thing I know other former evangelicals/conservatives/fundamentalists also deal with is Born Again Guilt. I was born again twice, once when I was six, and "renewed" that at least twice. I kept doing it because I never really felt like it took - I was supposed to experience some sweeping, emotional moment of grace, forgiveness, and personal transformation, and I never did. Hence, I spent a lot of my time a little worried that I wasn't really saved, and was thus going to hell. That's a lot of pressure for a kid, which I was. One problem with being born again - it can supposedly happen at any age. I now firmly believe that 1. children should never be forced into having a "spiritual" experience because the adults present are emotional about religion, and 2. salvation is different for everyone, and takes time. It was only recently that I discovered that I can take time working out grace with God, and that it won't necessarily be a mind-blowing experience. And, I have felt closer to God since I realized that. It's an ongoing thing, not a one-time thing.
Another issue that I don't struggle with as much as I once did is the cultural change involved in leaving a conservative church. For a long time, I listened to Christian music nearly exclusively. I was afraid to curse, and to drink. I was pretty damn judging, and quite possibly intolerable to be around. Although I still consider myself a fairly moral person and am far nicer than I used to be, I spent a while feeling a lot of guilt when I did "bad" things. The me of six years ago would have a heart attack on seeing the me of now - I get drunk sometimes! And swear! And do other bad things! On another note, being around large groups of conservative Christians (Campus Crusade events, say) wigs me out. I used to be there, and now am not, and wonder if I have a neon sign that says "heathen!" I still know the language they use though, which helps to communicate ;)
The last big thing to mention in this epic post is Sex Guilt, and oh man, is this a big one. My thoughts on how poorly Christians deal with human sexuality could take up a book, so this is the condensed version. It is really hard to teach that all sexual acts, ever, should only occur within the confines of a marriage without also conveying the idea that sex is somehow taboo. I think it might be possible, but it has got to be difficult. Generally, young people in the church come away thinking that their natural sexual feelings are sinful. There is a distinct difference between selfish lust and natural feelings all humans experience, especially in adolescence. Even for the people who wait till marriage, when sex is officially condoned, must have a hard time turning off that feeling that all things sexual should be avoided. For those of us who have changed their minds slightly about sex and marriage, it can still be hard - these teachings are well-impressed upon young conservative Christians, and the feelings of guilt linger.
I don't know how other (less conservative) Christians feel about it, but I would prefer not to have my relationship with someone I love complicated by guilt and apprehension. I think, overall, the guilt, not just sexual but overall, that the conservative church leaves its followers with can really mess up lives. The textbook response to that could be that God is weighing upon us...but it could just be that we're still working on leaving behind a potentially damaging mindset.
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